Dec.22, 2004 (8:00pm) - xmas is near. just chillin'
well not much has been new these days. my last post caused a bit of mild problems but hopefully all is sorted out. holidays are about to begin and, well, should be interesting. gonna have maybe 3 girls stayin with me (Ivy, Jieun, Shizuka). Ha. 1st Xmas ever to have people at our house. hope they dont feel wierd watching us open gifts. haha. oh well we have gifts for them too so they dont feel left out:P. most are probably stupid silly gifts but therell be a couple good ones i think.
spent the last couple days with ivy and shizuka. BG is kinda nice empty. i'll get sick of it fast but for now its a nice change. snow and xmas time is nice too. i've been having fun. its nice having 2 other people to..well..live with basically. ha. like small little family..in a way. ha. shizuka is of course the mom:P. haha. its nice though.
oh xmas shopping is still not at all finished. last minute as usual-_-. and spending $ waaayyy too damn fast. ug. can never hold on to it long enough. ah well.
Dec.15, 2004 (1:30pm) - i'm spiderman
ok. so i'm wondering why the fuck i help people. i really never care much about getting credit or respect, but these days i'm losing my mind. i guess i just do too much. people expect me to help. so nobody seems to give a shit when i do anything. only one or 2 people. but the person i do the most for never says a damn thing. they sure love when someone else does something for them. even if its something they usually dont want. so..yeah. whatever. sick of greedy people taking advantage of me. i love helping. i really do. but at least acknowledge that i fucking exist. dunno.
i guess the really annoying damn painful thing is that the same ones i help the most treat me like SHIT-_-. i help and give and help and give but all they do is tell people BAD things about me and praise those who do little. so maybe i should stop. maybe should give up. i can't believe how hard it is to bear the problems of so many people PLUS mine. and one person i know in particular has more problems than anyone. and they give me my biggest problems too. nice person, huh. yeah. but i cant say anything. i have to be the silent hero. that is one of a million reasons i feel like spiderman. my friend hiro in japan was the first/only person to notice it. she said i remind her of peter parker. ha. perhaps shes kinda like a mary jane. dunno.
although i know its silly to compare myself to spiderman, i have to be amazed at similarities. i will not get carried away, however, because i know many people are like spiderman/peter parker. that is why the movie is so popular and the character is so liked. people can relate to him. however i enjoy the connection, nonetheless. it gives me strength and hope. gotta admit i get a little teary-eyed at times. like when aunt may says:
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May: "you'll never guess who he [Henry, the boy next door] wants to be...Spiderman."
Peter: "Why?"
May: " He knows a hero when he sees one. Too few characters out there, flying around like that..saving old girls like me. And Lord knows, kids like Henry need a hero. Courageous, self-sacrificing people..setting examples for all of us.
Everybody loves a hero. People line up for them. Cheer them. Scream their names. And years later, they'll tell how they stood in the rain for hours..just to get a glimpse of the one..who taught them to hold on a second longer.
I believe there's a hero in all of us...that keeps us honest...gives us strength...makes us noble...and finally allows us to die with pride. Even though sometimes we have to be steady..and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams."
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Geez i get a little misty just writing it T.T haha. This is one of the things that helps me get through the day though. Inspiration comes from wierd places, even movies about comic book characters. It represents what i feel so much though. I give so much trying to help people. i feel they dont even know i exist or just believe that i am bad since others say it. Others spread rumors and i don't want to do that so they just hear one side of things or assumptions that arent the least bit true. I may appear bad or do things that confuse people, but i try more than anything to do what is right and what others want. It is so hard trying to make everyone happy or satisfied.
It is especially hard when everybody i know is so evil in ways. so mean or selfish. almost every guy i know is a liar and a cheater and almost every girl i know is either the same as those guys, or stupid enough to fall for those guys. and i can do nothing to help. i feel so stupid sometimes. i feel like i am the only one who really tries to do what is right. yet i am the only one people seem to not trust. am i wrong for not cheating on my gf? am i wrong for not being a liar to friends? am i wrong for not saying bad things about people or spreading rumors? am i wrong for taking care of those who need help?
i guess some people just want the ILLUSION of happiness, but not REAL happiness. i guess people would rather have someone who treats them like shit but hides it, rather than someone who treats them perfect but has a few problems. i am always tempted to try to be a bad person too. it seems the easiest and most fun way to be...but i can't. and i won't. and there are only a few things that give me strength to go on. like silly inspiration from action movies.
Dec.12, 2004 (8:00pm) - job opportunity
this weekend i went home. not much new. played need for speed underground 2 some more. gosh that game is so addictive. and always fun to hangout. saw the new Blade movie with my brother. been awhile since i caught a movie now that i think about it. but anyway i heard the movie was supposed to be pretty bad but i actually enjoyed it a lot. it was cool. and jessica beil was so hot XD. haha. she used to be popular for her big boobs, but they shrunk a LOT. but its ok. cause the reason they shrank was cause she got super fit! she looked really cool and sexy. and the guy who played van wilder was in it and he got really damn fit too @.@ so wierd seeing van wilder as a muscular action guy. but after seeing both actors i realized i need to get in shape again! only one week left to go to the rec before i graduate><! i wish i could hire the trainer that worked with those actors. haha.
still wierd knowing this is my last week. should be pretty comfy cause only have one test. but since i'm so free i'm trying to help everyone else. haha. went home to get ivy her yarn and picked up gerbs to bring him to BG. been getting jieun coffee and stuff as usual. plus im sure i'm gonna help 1 or 2 people with schoolwork this week. ha.
sucks just made plans for Xmas. everything sounds perfect and fun maybe. but suddenly got a job opportunity today! its just stupid crappy part-time work but its something! and so stuck now. now have to make a big choice. either have fun and take care of friends, or be responsible and get a job so i can make money, buy xmas gifts, and take care of expenses and responsibilities. and pay people back for helping me when i was poor :S. damn hate decisions. kinda funny though the job offer is at victoria secret. hahaha. cause a friend of mine works there. she called work one day and was surprised the lingerie manager was taking so long so i made a joke "i should be lingerie manager". she laughed and said they do hire guys but only for stock and stuff. she said she could help me and she did! which makes the decision even harder. cause feel obligated since she helped. but already made Xmas plans. damnit! this sucks. hate decisions@.@..of course.
Dec.10, 2004 (8:50am) -
hello again everyone. it's been a long time since i did anything here or wrote stuff but thats because my trial of dreamweaver ran out. ha. so i couldnt update the page. i have a full version now but its older so we'll see if this comes out the way i want it.
anyway lifes been changing a lot. graduating next week, my girlfriend broke up with me..again, life's been miserable and i realize everything in this world sucks. ha. other than that though i'm extremely happy. i've been wanting to bitch and complain for weeks but i'm feeling ok now. for now. i think that because of all the shit and crappiness all i can do now is laugh. i'm becoming imune to this stupid world. i really am quite happy. and, when i'm stressed, frustrated, etc, i become happy again really quickly. thankfully you all (IF anyone even reads this crap) caught me on a good day/time.
well right now i have nothing much else to say but hello again. doubt anyones listening though. but thats ok. this page is basically for myself anyway. so hello again me. nice to see me. how have i been? good. sweet. later. bye.
Nov.19, 2004 (1:20am) -
sucks. never know what to write here. i have a million things a day i wanna say or complain about or admit. but always feel like its a waste of time or it might bother someone, or just dont wanna say things about my personal life. oh well. maybe someday i'll break down. sorry if anything is a complaint too. ug. just wanna explode sometimes. hold way too much in and nobody to talk to about it. like a big sponge that keeps sucking up shit and not letting it out. best i can do is wait a couple days till it dries itself out. ug-_-.
on a side note (kinda) xmas is coming. thats depressing. more so than usual. not only will it be kinda lonely but i feel empty toward the whole gift thing. not that i dont get what i want. my parents get me great gifts and everything. but everyone just gets what i ask for (not everything of course. ha). it'd be nice to get a surprise once. something i really love and am not expecting. just once i want someone to know me well enough to make my whole year ha. but nobody knows me that well perhaps. or perhaps people just try too hard. dunno. dunno why i'm even complaining about this. only thing i feel like revealing. heck, dont even feel like revealing this-_- ha. what a waste of webspace. ah well. wastin' space in my head too. ha.
nov.6, 2004 (8:00am) -
(sigh) well, as with other aspects of my life, i'm just feeling pretty out of the loop. it seems that everytime i try to get involved in things, it backfires. this site is yet another example. seeing no comments everyday depresses me. i'm sure a lot of people have seen this site, but not getting feedback, esp from friends makes me feel its not worth it. on top of that i try to get involved with other chat places and forums, such as for my car. but, seems like anything i say is unnecessary. feels like i'm butting in other people's business and i don't know what i'm talking about.
i'm sure these are just feelings as usual and not necessarily true, but life is just kicking my ass these days. exercise is making me feel great, but other than that i'm seriously out of things. since i got back from japan i got lazy and all my friends are disappearing from graduating or transfering/whatnot. and any new friends i try to make are uninterested. ha. in a slump. ah well. such is life. just gotta look up and buckle down. hopefully things'll change soon.
and i really really really need a job. guess i better start looking HARD soon. i'm poor and bored. and Xmas is coming. need $. wish i could spend it having fun with people though. welp guess responsibilities are most important. dunno who to have fun with anyway ha.
nov.5, 2004 (9:30am) -
aww damn. ivy made me miss mai so much too. heh. sucks. and since she talked about her old days with mai it made me think of the old days too. i remember spending summer vacation always hanging out with her family. getting awesome free food and hanging out in her house. cant believe how clean it was. that was one of the best summers ever. and living in offenhaur and taking summer classes. i got so connected to japanese culture that year with miki and everyone teaching me famous japanese singers and mai's family always taking care of me. and..of course those were the happy days of mai-_-. so empty now. gosh i miss old mai. and old times....ah well cant live in the past i guess. really gotta learn time travel. ha.
in other news i've been feeling great, now that i'm eating a BIT better and working out so often again. got so lazy after japan. could honestly feel my life being sucked away. i love this now though. feel so productive. and its making me wanna be more productive in other things. job searching, taking car of responsibilities, etc. wierd how something so small/stupid can lead to big change. ha.