Braja Hotel - Life Archive 2005

Braja Hotel Blog Archive

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uggg. too much on my mind as usual. i must write more in my blog than any human being. ha. anyway~~

i've had a lot of waves of emotion recently of course. but funny thing is its only 2 major emotions really. happiness is one. or rather comfort and hope (ok so thats 3 haha). they add up to be one feeling though. then the other feeling is... anger. its wierd. i havent felt sadness in a month. maybe longer. my heart is dead. really all i feel is ANGER. so much anger. it scares me. just pure hatred consumes me from head to toe. the more i witness human behavior and test things the more i grow to hate everyone. theres a few people that give me hope but still its not enough to stop me. i'm worried of the demon i'm becoming. this darkness that layed dorment inside me, hidden by an unbelievably powerful conscience. when will i control it? i was one of the few people who devoted so much to helping and caring about people. and now all that strength is pushed back. i really am terrible now. well i dont really do anything too bad. i'll never be bad. i dont hurt people at all. i just... don't care. i'm doing all i can to fight this problem.. but it always comes back. i need inspiration. but i have nothing left. i wonder where my next inspiration will come from... i have to stop this soon. just gotta focus on the happiness for now. though its insanely difficult...

i hate how i'm never wrong. although i laugh seeing everyone's opinions proven wrong, i hate the painful truth of myself being right. people who told me i was stupid for not having a life plan or even a fulltime job are realizing what i said about things changing. these people already quit their jobs and they had them 1 yr or less. theyre re-thinking their lives or having difficult decisions to make. well.. duh. thats life. thats what i tried to tell them. but instead they branded me as a weakling and a loser. but in the end my words were the truth. thats because i'm older and more experienced. but these are the same people who helped sway my life in the shitty direction it went. this is just one example of many. people trying to speak words of wisdom of things they do not know yet. its ok to give insights or have your own opinion, but don't use those thoughts to fuck with someone's life!!!!

one of the MANY other things driving me mad is the piece of shit who stole my life. hearing his constant bitching drives me mad. he's far more infantile than i ever was. constantly saying about people judging HIM. well duhh. thats cause people love to judge. but in your case theres more proof. if you've lied and cheated and been a piece of shit, then thats all you are. if the only "love" you have shown is fake, then you are too. whereas i loved and cared for and was completely honest and did all i could to make people happy. my only downfall was not succeeding in anything i did. i tried my hardest, but my biggest problem was complaining. that made people think i was weak. anyway its kinda funny EVERYONE complains. but i'm the only one who was labeled as being bad for it. hopefully soon people will see its simply natural and i'm no different, nor worse, than anyone else... anyway~~ kinda funny too how the dumb fuck keeps complaining that americans are being racist to him. hahaaa welcome to life. but i have news for you, you yellow slanty-eyed mother fucker (thats a joke btw. just proving a point you'll see in a second). the news is that humans are cruel by nature. but theyre simple-minded. they will pick on the most obvious flaw. if you're asian, they'll pick on you for that. if you're not asian, they'll pick on you cause you smell funny, or because you talk like a fag. or because you can't even cook your own country's food properly. ha. etc etc. so fucking get over it!! people don't hate you cause youre asian. they hate you cause you're a worthless sack of shit. if it was classmates, its cause you werent pulling your weight. or cause you said or did something stupid. regardless the problem isnt your ethnicity, its YOU. it just so happens that the easiest way to communicate that message is to pick on the most obvious thing. but keep in mind americans love asians. and africans, and mexicans, and everyone. cause thats the whole point of the damn country and why its so great. sure everyone pics on each other and is "racist" but thats just human nature. at least we arent killing each other for it anymore like everyone else in the world. we simply argue and pick on each other. but in that mess is love and acceptance as well. so even when someone is calling you a stupid yellow bastard, they care about asians, its simply the easiest method to get their anger out. deal with it you stupid chump (btw thats an american word. bet ya didnt know the nickname you have for your people is an insult in english hahaa... idiot)=P... anyway the fact that youre giving up makes me sick. thats what people hated me for. but i never truly gave up. i would only leave cause of the person i loved and my dreams with them. but yeah, if youre so fucking weak then just get the hell out of the country you stupid pathetic fuck. but why the fuck would you go to hk!??? hk is in no way related to you other than a couple months of your life. and if you cant live in america why the fuck do you think you can live in hk@.@??????? you cant be a citizen there either. and do you even realize what it means to adapt to a culture?? it means letting go of a few traditions. but you're trying to be cool and stick completely to your own fucking culture. its ok to be proud. everyone is. but dont go preaching about caring about other cultures when you're too affraid to let go of your own. i'll always be american deep down, but i'm willing to put some stuff aside until its mandatory... its funny people respect your words before they even understand the full meaning of them. you're just someone lost in another country. i was like that too long ago. but i stopped being a pussy. if i leave this place, its cause i feel like it. or cause its strategically the best decision. not cause i'm a pansy bitch who can't take the pressure.... you're an embarassment to your people... get over it or just fucking die or go home... (hope this doesnt offend anyone except the person in mind. and dont forget my message about picking the obvious flaw)i really hope people understood my message here-_-. i'm worried the stupidity and low IQ of some people will make them miss the whole point. ah well~~*sigH*... guess one of the many things that drew her to him was the fact that his bitching was just more similar to her's than mine. they can hate america together.

hate how much doubt and annoying shit fills me. hate how a life of betrayal plagues my thoughts. it makes me so unsure about things. i have so many worries and so many Q's and so many.. well.. thoughts. i know the answer to everything though. well not everything in life. just everything i'm confused about at the current moment. all i've learned in life, through experience, and through observing others and studying human nature has provided me with the knowledge i seek for my current problems. however, knowing and doing are 2 different things...

i KNOW how to act and what the outcome will be depending the actions i take. i can see far down every path. i know i'll be fine if i just don't worry and stick to what i know. but its hard when the hazards of the past haunt you. and this all feels too similar. whats with my cursed luck. wtf was i thinking... well i know what i was thinking ha. just like i know everything else. but its SOOO HARD. just.. fucked up luck.

i hate waiting. i hate watching history repeat itself. or rather continueing, not repeating. i hate how my life is always one sick joke. unlike anyone i've ever seen. note i'm not saying worse. just different. anyway~ ha i cant believe i'm typing so much about nothing=P. just thoughts spilling out. i just need to bitch a bit to calm my mind. once its clear of these thoughts, i can do a better job solving the problem. but this bitching is not weakness. just clearing my head so i can relax and take care of things. once these thoughts are out of my head and written down, i'm capable of thinking logically again.

i live an amazing life. will this bottomless pit ever end? this week marked a new level of shittiness. more later. i'm fucking tired...

Nov. 6, 2006 (1:00am) - The most important month of my life? well dunno. but it was a good one...

so i'm finally back in japan. i took a month off, went back home, and then to HONG KONG=D!!!! i have too much to even say. and i've been back almost 2 weeks already so a lot has left my mind. so i'll keep it brief. hk was awesome. the 1st couple days SUCKED. ha. spent them all looking for a hotel. but thats ok its my own stupidity for not booking sooner^^;. it all worked out. but it shows you can take something out of every experience, cause while i searched for hotels for 3-4 days i ended up seeing all of hk. haha. well not all, but most. all of the really popular stuff i think at least. so i could spend my last 3 days with friends. and that was sooooooooo nice^^. i didnt wanna leave><. heh. i'm so grateful for all of them. it woulda been a totally diff trip without them.

since i got back i've been saving up to go home for xmas again. should be good. cant wait=). just gotta be strong till then. and gotta work my ass off. working almost 20 hrs of overtime a week. heh. but its ok^^. i dont feel the stress anymore for now. and i knew i'd be this busy. i was well prepared cause i knew a month vacation has to be payed for somehow. when i get back from xmas i'll work hard as hell again. after xmas i should have enough flyer miles to go to hk for free^^. so probably gonna go back in february or something. we'll see. i'll go for like 5-10 days depending how many paid holidays i have left. also depends on how my job and relationship is going. for now thats the plan, though it may change. we'll see.

other than that not much is new. i have so many thoughts everyday but i've been too lazy to update and so they add up. sucks. so regardless of what i was gonna write before, i'm just start posting again. when those thoughts come back i'll post them, but till then i'll post my new thoughts. anyway...

thats all for now. stay tuned for new pics! massive upload coming soon!!!!... maybe ha:P

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man		85%
Hulk		75%
Green Lantern		70%
The Flash		65%
Robin		62%
Superman		60%
Iron Man		50%
Supergirl		45%
Catwoman		45%
Batman		35%
Wonder Woman		35%

You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.

You Have A Type B+ Personality

You're a pro at going with the flow
You love to kick back and take in everything life has to offer
A total joy to be around, people crave your stability.

While you're totally laid back, you can have bouts of hyperactivity.
Get into a project you love, and you won't stop until it's done
You're passionate - just selective about your passions

i've had wayyyy too much on my mind these days. too much to ever put down in words. well the biggest news is that i went home for a bit. it was definitely what i needed. i can't even describe how wonderful the trip was. thank you to everyone. all my friends. you all mean so much to me.

unfortunitely this past month or 2 have been pretty disappointing in other ways. i've been really angry with a lot of people. or rather people in general. ha. my fall from happiness and recent epiphony led me to realize some sad things. i give and give and live to make people happy. i support every friend of mine, even if i give a bit more attention to some, i don't let anyone go away unnoticed. but in my time of need, i found almost nobody around. esp in japan. but even more disappointing is that people who are friends side against me in many cases. i know it's not always anyone's fault. i know i've given impressions to people they might take the wrong way, but still i've been angry with all the people who failed to support me. and most of all the people who failed to understand me. i know my faults, don't get me wrong. i understand why people view me the ways they view me, but i'm mostly surprised and angry at those who i thought knew me the most. i sit back and say nothing. i let people think what they want and say what they want. i figured people knew me well enough to have faith and see how strong and smart i really was. i didnt think some negative views would get in the way of the truth. but now that those negative thoughts and rumors and ideas have changed the course of my life, i have to get serious.

all these years i've been learning and growing. i always kept my playful young side to keep people from getting bored. but in the end, i have to become strict. like my father. perhaps more serious even. for awhile i'll have to throw my happy playfulness aside to teach people a lesson. i thought people would see the real me deep down. some did. but the most important people became uncaring, unsupportive infants themselves. the thing that made me the most mad was a meeting with an old friend. someone i knew when they were a child. i had made them angry at that time. i was stupid and referred to them as a child openly. the only way they could cope with my actions and words was to convince themselves that I was the childish one. this gave them strengh and helped them grow. since i wanted them to grow, i said nothing. i let them think they were more mature than me. i didnt care. it would be equally childish for me to argue. so, as usual, i stayed quiet. now it's 5-6 years later and that child is an adult. i'm proud. however, there are still many things they didnt learn. but i know they will. however that person, in a meeting with me, went too far. i was being modest saying "sorry for bothering you, now i'm acting like a baby" and their reply was, with very serious gest, "of course i've always been more mature than you". it was not a joke nor sarcasm, and the way she said it was the tone she used when she was young. as if still angry at me. it made me realize not much has changed and it, in turn, made me angry she could still not see the lesson i tried to teach. i'm disappointed, and, therefore sick of her using that idea on me. and all people are acting the same way as if they moved on in life and i learned nothing. how dare you label me. now i must label you. so now i cannot be the patient friend, i have to be serious and scold. because people obviously don't understand me, nor many other things.

although i've always welcomed friendly advice, at this point, i am now sick of people trying to give me advice as if i am a child. especially people younger than me and people who havent gone through enough experiences or similar ones. or people who went through them and learned nothing. if you're middle-aged or older and still lost yourself, don't preach to others. if you're 20 and just did something slightly diff from the same routine, don't talk as if you're eyes are suddenly opened to the world. if you're a yr younger than me and going through what i already went through last yr, don't act like i did it differently. i'm sick of others trying to tell me all my hard work and learning in this life is for nothing. i act like a child at times but i am mature through and through underneath. so now i'm standing up and getting serious. i'll share some of the stupidity i heard and argue it here. this is my page so i'll say things clearly and if you don't like it, comment, or piss off. yeah my argueing may seem childish here, but its not so. it's like i said. i'm an adult who had enough from others and now i'm scolding and saying how it is. how I am...

these things are ideas people had. things people said regarding my life, or life in general. things that bothered me. theyre just a few and in no order and i will not say who said them or what reason they said them. so i apologize for the vagueness.

idea: Graduation and jobs are most important. love will come after you figure the rest of your life out | comment: omfg-_-! do i even need to comment. that's the dumbest thing i ever heard. yeah you know cause life is that simple....-_- idiots

idea: You have no direction in life. you need to find a career for your future | comment: again life's not so simple. one step at a time. everyone changes ideas and changes jobs. i've always had a direction. i can't help that its always changing. cause people force me to change it. which is what many people arent realizing. goals change. life changes. the important thing is to keep moving and adapt. and i'm only 25! sure i may act like i dont have a plan, but we all get confused for a short bit. i simply made the mistake of openly admitting my brief anxieties instead of keeping it in till it passed.

idea: If you sacrifice your life for another person. you're stupid. dont give up what you have so carelessly. | comment: first, people are more important than anything else in life. at least to me. more than money, or jobs, or a big house, etc. too many people are fucking greedy and need to learn how to take care of other people. i can take care of myself AND others. yes, i will always do my best to help others, even if it means changing my plans. metaphorically speaking, i would happily take a bullet for another person. but what nobody fucking realizes is that i'm not taking a bullet to sacrifice my life, i'm taking a bullet cause i'm fucking bullet proof! i can handle my life. don't take my bitching as a sign of weekness. its just something to pass the time. live with it

idea: You can't even handle your own life. How can you handle someone else's? | comment: idiots! i've been independent since i can remember. i've always handled my own life. i've don't fucking need counciling like some people. i figure things out myself. i put my hope in everyone and everyone lets me down and STILL i fight on. i take care of myself cause i've always had to. if you werent a child yourself you'd see that (there are at least 4 people in mind for this one). my complaining was just cause i would just appreciate some support, that's all i ask. YOU try supporting all your friends and loved ones and doing everything in the world to make a gf happy or less stressed, and you might understand that some stress relief is nice. but if you dont want to help and wanna be greedy instead, i can always handle it myself. but don't you ever underestimate me like you know me you braindead fucks. i just help others and want some occasional help in return. but if you think i'm wrong for helping others and are too damn weak to give help in return, then go live your selfish stupid life, quit making assumptions, and let me do what i do.

idea: you dont know how to save money. you can't support a family or even yourself | comment: I've always had $. even when i get it from parents. everyone gets help from someone. its the same as a loan. its the same as anything. i use what i can. i make use of all my resources. i work hard. if i can't earn enough i sometimes get help. if i don't have parents i use my company. if my company won't help i get a loan. if i don't qualify for a loan i get a better job. if i can't get a better job i sell something. etc. and sure i spend $ but i spend it on other people!! that's the same thing as supporting a family. i support people i care about. geez. sure if i have time i spend a bit on myself but most is for other people. for example flying home to see family and loved ones is not stupid!! and not a waste of money.

idea: you're lazy and indecisive. you just play and do what you want. you need to grow up | comment: perhaps a long time ago. but since my later years of college and esp since i graduated i've been as responsible as anyone. and every week i become even more so. and now the most of all. i'm not affriad of anything. i make quick decisions, and, if plans fail, i don't freakout. i may seem like i'm just playing but i'm not. i have fun and at the same time i'm taking care of my life at every end. i always have a plan and always make new ones. don't judge me. very few have seen as many dreams come close to true as i have. it wasnt just luck. and i'm barely beginning.

i've realized the reasons i always screw up arent just from bad luck. its not just cause i fuck something up. its cause i can't count on other people. the more i talk to certain people the more i go crazy at how naive they are. i go crazy at how much everyone thinks inside of the box. i need to find people who dare to think more in depth. everyone else is just holding me back. i made the mistake of keeping company with fools, liars, and greedy people in general. and people who are too stubborn to look at life from all angles. and people too stubborn or stupid to see me as i am and have faith in me. now i have to work EXTRA hard to pick up the slack. need to find new help and get more help from those who really do give a shit. thank you to all those people. and sorry for the burdon. but your help and support will never go unnoticed. Miyuki, Shizuka, Jieun, May, Theresa, Kathy, Dad, Mom, Greg, Barb, Brendon, Stephanie, Angel, Yuko, Simon, etc. There are more to mention i'm sure, but can't think right now. i'm tired, heh. if i see you i will know immediately. anyway, thank you all for actually being there. for giving a shit even when you seem like you might not. thank you for your kindness. i know there are many who are still good, but there are too many who are of the negative crowd. i tested everyone in various ways. i tested to see who truly cared. and too many people failed. so sad~

well, my life has taken a turn for the worse recently. everything i've known to this point has been stripped from me and destroyed. my whole life has flipped completely backwards. i've been through hell coping with it. although i've learned so much in life, and have predicted events happening, theres still no preparation for life changing events. you can only brace yourself for impact and hope it doesnt kill you.

anyway i feel bad for my friends because i'd become an infant again. when everything you know is lost, though, you become a total mess. i hope everyone understands. but nobody could ever understand quite the extent of things. i'm not saying my life is worse than other peoples, simply nobody understands anyone. if people felt what i felt... well they'd be pretty shocked. funny thinking of my new roommate here. he'd had problems in his life recently and finally saved his relationship. he's going home in 2 weeks. i wish him the best. anyway just funny hearing him say just 12 days of the problem completely drained him. he'd never felt anything so stressful in so long. he said he couldn't picture anyone doing that for 5 years. made me feel kinda sad but kinda proud in a way. well strong at least. but even giants and gods fall under enough pain. and i fell hard. and i'm nowhere near a giant nor a god. so thank you everyone for caring and helping. however, in the end even friends get sick of helping, and i find myself alone, as usual. like all my life. but it's my fault friends giveup cause i grow TOO childish. i realize this and feel stupid. and it's because of this i can stand again. i realize my faults and i realize what i must do.

after a lifetime of learning and growing and changing, i was able to build and fortify a solid foundation for my life. a foundation of what i stand for and who i am. and i did it just in time. although japan led to the destruction of my life, it also provided me with the final materials for the foundation. those materials were confidence, maturity, and fearlessness. now just as my life crashed around me, and burnt to ashes, i find the foundation still exists. everything is gone but i have something to begin with at least. its not much but its something. and now i raise myself to my feet again, beaten and tattered. it'll be a loooooooong path ahead and a lot to rebuild. but the foundation gives me hope. i know where to start. and as i build i will redesign and improve on things. i know i will change ideas etc. but i at least know things will be ok...some day. some day far away. and its so hard cause, even though i've only begun, there are more setbacks. as i build things keep crumbling. but i can't let that discourage me. the foundation remains. i'm confident, strong, knowlegdable, caring, loving, etc. i know and understand how the world works, and i know you cant control it. but i know how to handle it. i know what i like and dont like. i'm decisive. i don't lie or cheat or hurt people. i put everyone before myself. but i never forget myself. i fear nothing and make evolution my goal. i do my best to learn and grow and change. my mind and my health remain important. and then theres the thing i've had all along, independence. a life of taking care of myself. cause not many people would. i dont blame anyone though, because i know in many cases its my own fault for the loneliness. i was childish and annoying. however, although i admit to my own faults, i will not take all the responsiblitly and blame. greed of others and bad fortune were also to blame. but it all helped me at least. helped me grow. and so now i put aside childish things. now i stand up, quit bitching, and rebuild. i'm sooooooo tired. i dont want to. but i can't think that way. i'm in pain and weak as fuck and bleeding my heart and mind out. but staying too long to ask for help will just cause me to die. i have to help myself. as long as i'm alive i must move on.

some interesting events unfolded these past few days to help me to stand. to make me realize what i've spent a lifetime learning. and i'm still learning. now and forever. one interesting thing was a palm reader. although i still dont believe in the stuff it was interesting nonetheless. and free. ha. students rock. anyway most important of all was that i had a very interesting walk in the park. i'll save the details cause people will think i'm crazy but it really was mysterious and interesting. basically put, it felt as if i was walking through life again. its far more complicated than that, but the gist is that i saw everything that night and in the end i realized a very important thing...that i wouldnt really change anything. feel damn stupid for quoting a country song, haha, but made me remember "the dance" by garth brooks. the words "i could have missed the pain but i'd have had to miss the dance". well its true i could have dodged so many problems. but i woulda missed the happiness and lessons that came with them. its true mostly about life, but also about love, too. i will say it now, since its known or assumed by everyone anyway: i love ivy. i love her with all my heart...whats left of it. but dont worry. i won't bitch or complain or cry (much ha) anymore. some may think i'm getting carried away and being too dramatic, but like i said, nobody knows the extent of anything. people know 0.001% of the truth. so let me be. the one thing i learned in life is that the only person you can truly count on is yourself. i appreciate everyone, but i can no longer take deep thought into what others think about me. and so here i speak my mind. my life didnt just change because i lost a girl. its so difficult and complex that a lifetime of explaining would never cover everything. it entails all aspects of my life, not just a girl. everything from birth until now and even the future and how events have unfolded. my personality, my character, and my everything.

anyway like i said events of my life have all led me to here. i took a wrong turn somewhere, perhaps. perhaps i could have had a happy safe wonderful journey had i taken another path. but i didnt. i took a shitty messed up path. not just any shitty path like some people, but a very very unique and ever changing one. but as i hit every bump and pitfall, i learned how to cope with future ones. i got through it and i'm better for it. although it was shitty i still had hope, which is the most important thing of all. i knew there was a bright light on the other side. unfortunately my path was destroyed. the partner i found on the path decided to leave me and i collapsed out of exhaustion. the only way to survive that path is with help. but they decided to take an another, seemingly easier (although longer) path. and since i couldnt go on alone, i temporarily gave up cause i'm so tired. i dont wanna go back to where i came from. i cant go back. and i cant start over. i'm fucking pissed cause it didnt have to be this way and i'm even more pissed cause we almost reached the light. but i can't sit and bitch. so sorry to everyone who passed me on the way for that. all i can do now is fight through the weeds and darkness to get to another path. just need to gather my strength again.

so here i am getting deeper and deeper into analogies and imagery so i'll get back to reality. to summarize in lameman's terms, my life is a shitty mess right now and worse than ever. but everything i've learned in life will help me to move on. i'm totally alone again, not just in love but friendship. and thats cause i've been weak and childish. now that i'm starting to push people away, i'm remembering important things. and i'm remembering how to stand alone. cause i have been independant all my life. i'm tired and cranky, but i am also mature now. i will hold my complaints and move on. thank you everyone. my family, friends. thank you ivy most of all for giving me the biggest lessons of all. i love all of you. and now i rebuild...

I know its strange. me talking about love. i know its extra strange i havent updated in so long and suddenly i throw this out. probably makes you wonder what's been goin on with me recently. well sure love is one thing but really life in general has had me thinking. all i ever do is think so i figured i share my thoughts with the world. and, since love is whats on most people's mind, the most confusing of all subjects, i thought i'd share what i've found:

all my life i've wondered about this mystery of life. this thing that can save or destroy the entire world. and after 25 yrs i'm closer to understanding its true meaning. in fact i think i understand it already. its so hard to explain though i never could in words, but i'll still say as much as i can...

when i was young i thought of love like anyone else. like there was some special feeling someone gives you as soon as you see them. love at 1st sight perhaps? ha. anyway after years of that dumb idea i've realized that kind of love is infantile and stupid. i never realized it till i got a girlfriend. i still see so many people at that phase. one girl i know in japan is like that. she's never really had a boyfriend so she has all these high hopes and talks as if love is the greatest thing in this world...but that is not love... that is infatuation and hope. its true hope is a huge part of love, but it cannot be combined so much with infatuation and curiosity. love is nowhere near that simple. and, if you think it is, you will have your heart broken fast

The next step to finding love is fear. naturally once you get a gf or bf you doubt if theyre the one. you see so many people who make you happy, give you so much more fun and you wonder "is this a mistake?"...doubt.. doubt is a killer of love. a poison love comes with, just like a rose uses thorns. this is the worst part of the journey to love. this is the phase everyone fails at. its the reason people cheat, couples breakup, and long distance relationships almost never work. i went through this dozens of times. everyone does. its natural to find someone who makes you happy and have fun with. the trick is to stay strong and not run away. don't get greedy! and wait to see what happens. but so many people dont. greed is natural and that new fun and happiness is blinding. almost nobody is that strong and thats why every stupid fucking person i've ever met in my life has cheated (sorry getting kinda angry ha. back to the point...). anyway, this is the worst and hardest part of any relationship. the hardest part of finding love. and its a phase that can't be skipped. some people stay strong and fight threw it. others give up fast. some people have hope, the important ingredient to move on to love, while others have doubt and fail.

some people go through those first 2 phases a thousand times. most people feel they need to try everything before they can decide what they want. but love is not a selection, its not something that always finds you and its not something you can always search for and find. this is why love is so difficult for people. its got so many shapes and forms and false ideas. people use love so freely. sure even i use phrases like "i love pizza" and stuff like that. but true love, esp true romantic love is sooooo much more. but people still throw the word around. i see young japanese couples on trains soooooo happy and in love and excited. but i then teach the middle-aged people who they become later on. such a typical scenerio. a guy will find a girl he likes and say "i love you so much" then a couple months later sleep with another girl. he'll still tell one he loves her then eventually switch and say "i love you more than her". thats not love!! that's liking someone. thats saying "i'm having more fun with you right now so i'll be with you". some people say "love is when you find the person that makes you happy all the time". thats not possible!! and the people who say these stupid things are the people who are alone or single or the people who have someone they've only dated a short time. people just never understand that love takes time. it takes good AND bad, it takes blood, sweat, and tears. almost no fortune comes without hard work.

and this is where i reach the meaning of love. i find love in the people who are still together after decades. not just together but happy and in love. anyone can stay together for decades out of marriage. i see it everyday in japan. in america its similar but they're divorced ha. nobody is happy and everyone is cheating. kwon once told me "korean men only care about 2 things, sex and work". i asked him if it he believed that and he just laughed and said "yes i believe it". japanese people are the same. AMERICANS are the same. everyone is because they dont get love. if you want the truth about love, dont listen to people who gaveup. dont listen to people who still cheat. don't listen to greedy confused idiots. don't listen to cultures that hide their problems and stick to old fashion beliefs. and dont listen to people who are single or in a new relationship! listen to the old people. or happy couples who survived. they will ALWAYS say the same thing. like the older ladies at starbucks told me, like my grandparents and parents and everyone. i had a teacher in college who used to tell us about him and his wife and people laugh that he took her to a flower show. he said she took him to a car show its only fair. theres tons of things they both enjoy and some things they like individually, but they still support that. love is a commitment. he gave us lots of stories like that and would mock us saying "you dumb young people know nothing about love." i would get mad at him but now i realize he was right. dumb horny college students are blinded but the fun and good feelings. they dont realize love is more than a few words and good times. love takes effort. there are times you wanna just giveup and throw it all away, but you gotta think of the concequences. you gotta think of how much you've been through. you gotta realize that if you've survived big and small problems, and still care and love each other, then its true. THAT is love. love is a commitment. and i don't mean a commitment like marriage. love is a commitment internally. its a feeling some men get in war. 50 yrs after war, men who fought together will still do anything to help each other. its a loyalty like no other. is it cause they bought each other a drink one night or partied all the time and had happiness and fun? NO!!!! its cause they were there for each other during the hardest times. they would pull each other from the gates of hell if they had to. they're from different countries and different lifestyles but still they band together. THAT is love. and it's the same for marriage. even if you NEVER get married, you can love someone like that. but that is love. of course its so much more complicated than even that but like i said, thats the best way i can put it into words.

love is not toleration. i used to think all people were like these japanese businessmen and their wives. i used to think all people just get married cause of habit. cause they're used to each other. but now i see the truth. there is love out there and some people have it. love is not just being happy with someone. love is not just doing sweet things for each other. love is not a cool person you see walking down the street and love is not finding someone who is similar to you. love is growth and love is hope. and most importantly love is something you get from hard work. like parents who raise children (even though some dont even do that). anyway you get the point.

after 25 years i think i finally understand love. oddly the person who taught me the most doesn't understand themselves. but that is the funny thing. i try to teach, but love can't be taught through words, only time. people just have different routes. like my sister. she's like most people, especially party people. people who want fun while theyre young. trying a hundred boyfriends till she realizes the truth. at least i like to think that. i dont wanna talk badly of her. i barely see her. but still she seems different now. she seems better and more mature. like she's trying hard to get through the hard times instead of giving up. of course its not always that easy and i'm not saying you can love anyone just cause you get through hard times. cause some times are just too difficult. so we'll see where she goes, and where i go. am i hurt cause the woman i love doesn't love me back? of course i wanna die. but thats natural. scars never go away! but at least wounds heal..mostly. at least i know what love is. so if it ever comes to me again i can grasp it and never let go. and thankfully everything else i've learned about life will help me survive.

thank you everyone. everyone in my life. family, friends, every tiny person. but thanks most of all to YOU. i love you.

damn wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much to talk about. so i gotta summarize sadly. well plane was nice. day afteri arrived everyone needed to go register at the city hall. then had to open a bank account. by ourselves! on the 2nd fucking day@.@. thankfully could speak japanese. i pitty those who dont speak japanese and have never even been to another country@.@. anyway after that was orientation, then got a cell phone the next day! so happy heh. yayyy japanese cell phone. and the phone was free. and of course way better than anything in the states. had to pay for the plan of course though.

lets see...work. ok well work sucks ass! training was insane. 1st day of training i already had to teach a real class@.@. 2nd day i taught 3 and last day i taught 4 with 10 min between each to prepare-_-. fucking insane. then had one day off and went to a BBQ at miyuki's friends. that was fun. then the next day i started work. my first day of work the girl with the key got there late and so i only had 5 min to figure out where everything was in a place i've never been before, get my files, and prepare a lesson-_-. nova fucking sucks. ha. my first day they already asked me to do overtime every monday this month@.@. wtf. and they didnt just ask me, they forced me-_-. the next day they wanted me to work MORE overtime so i would have to work full day every thursday, meaning i would have no half days. fucking crazy. naturally i said no. anyway then couple days ago was kids training. wasnt bad cause just buncha adults pretending to be kids. the day after kids training i already had 2 kids classes-_-. yeah ironic i didnt choose amity cause didnt wanna teach kids and at nova i ended up at a school that has tons of kids. half our students are kids-_-!!!! sooo thats my life here. soooooo fucking busy. dont even have time to send cell phone msgs. sheesh. which is why i didnt update till now and cant cover all i've done.

i had my first weekend...well not really. i work all weekend. my busiest days are fri-sun. so my "weekend" is tues and wed. ha! so my first 'weekend' i went to hiro's bar. stayed there all night. it was really interesting ha. too lazy to talk about it now, but heres a summary for you: a navy guy gone AWOL, russian hookers, drunk old japanese businessmen, a couple iranians, a bong, a japanese guy who didnt speak but was best dancer i have ever seen in my LIFE, and a lot of free drinks. ok so that sounds confusing and kinda bad. not everything is what it sounds. anyway it was loads of fun. ha. ask me about it and i'll tell you the full story. well, what i remember.

my apt is nice, my roommate is cool. hes into cars too. got kinda lucky. from australia. he's been to every race track in the tokyo area and even drove on many initial d mountains. lucky bastard. i'd do those things too but everything related to cars happens on weekends. when i'm working-_-. grrrrr.

ok thats all i can fit in for now. hopefully i can update a bit more often. till then, try to enjoy my pics so far. updated in the gallery

Wow. everything seems sooo wierd. like this isnt even real. i'm on my way to japan. all my other trips i was prepared and normal, but this time i just can't believe i'm going. really seems fake. ha. just cause Nova never gave me info. it just kinda happened. for months i've been telling people i'm going but it still hasn't hit me that its true. but here i am, above canada, getting ready to spend a freakin yr in japan. i guess its also kinda fake feeling cause i've been there 3 times. its not special or exciting or new. dunno. this is all so surreal.

well past couple weeks have been crazy. my last day in america sucked, saying goodbye. and my car died again-_-. oh well when i get back i'll have plenty of $ to fix it. right now i'm sitting next to another nova employee, ironically. she's nice and cool. an art student who has never been to japan. time goes faster when you actually have someone to talk to. she'll live in chiba, near tokyo. so i'll probably see her sometime after the flight even. esp cause she will need my help. she knows nobody there and has never been there and speaks no japanese. my seat on the plain is awesome! its te back of the plane where the shape changes and gets narrower. so theres no room for a 3rd seat. so i have a big space next to me to put stuff on the floor between the window. so seems seem nice. just sucks its stupid northwest, so no individual tv's. just big screen a mile ahead and can't see anything. oh well. cant be picky. have laptop (for like 2 hrs till battery dies. ha) and other things are ok.

hm so much is going on, dunno what else to say. i'm sure i'll update again really soon. until then, you can enjoy some pics of my final days in the gallery

Ok been soo busy. so much has been going on. first of all, i am happy because i finally found out where i'm living in japan! I'll be living right between downtown tokyo and saitama. an area called ukima. i think its a great location. i can see ayako, hiro, miyuki, and even yukari is coming to live in tokyo! ha soo excited and happy. cant wait to see everyone.

to prepare for japan i'm doing so much stuff. waiting for visa, gotta clean room and pack. and gotta remember to try to get my int'l driver's license! ha=P...for those who don't know, i'm leaving march 22nd. kinda dont wanna go though. life is so great again here. love visiting bg. and of course work is great, and i love everyone there. best co-workers anywhere. well too late now. gotta look at the benefits of japan. i'll miss everyone so much though. ok i say that all the time. heh. anyway, this is killing me, preparing to leave. 2 weeks. cant believe it. so wierd. so nervous. dunno what else to say.

of course everyone now knows that Dr. Kawashima died. so sudden. he will be greatly missed. so wierd how many people keep getting cancer these days. and more wierd how such strong and healthy people are passing away. well, enough about sad stuff.

ivy got a car! i'm so happy for her and proud kinda heh. its the same model as my car! (Saturn sl2) but hers is a 2002 model with only 20,000 miles on it! thats amazing. she got a great deal. wierd driving it though. ha. didnt realize how great my car is. i've been modifying it so long, i forgot how a regular one feels. heh. makes me happy and proud of my car^-^...

hmmm dunno what else to say. my bro sold his house i think. they move into the new one one april 26. wish i could be there. anyone who needs a place to say, you have my permission haha. its huge. of course you MAY need his permission too=P.

oh also i updated some pics of our trip to Toronto this yr! a couple weeks ago. was tons of fun. met ivy's friends, went to jack astors, went to chinatown, and i learned how to play mahjongg! ha. i won like 6 times in a row and made them go crazy=P cause they're chinese, they should win. ha. of course i was winning the easiest way and they were trying the difficult ways to win. still it was funny. anyway you can see pics in the gallery!

at work yesterday, me and alicia were talking about spending v-day doing nothing, pretending cool people have no plans. ha. well i thought i was gonna spend the day alone and depressed, but the day isnt so bad. alicia will be dissapointed i broke down and ended up doing something. haha kidding. hope she has a good day though. i stopped in at work and things looked insane! the..umm..district manager?? (dunno if thats right. someone important, ha), marie was there. doing a 'clean sweep', where they check every inch of the store to test how clean it is and give a score. so naturally it was a scary place today. everyone looked so nervous and in a bad mood@.@ plus soo many customers. haha so i didnt stay long. was nice to see dani. havent seen her in a long time. poor angela is a new girl. feel sorry she had to work on such a crazy day. ha. anyway i left pretty quickly.

later i slept awhile. then woke up and went to midas. dunno why i went there, i hate midas. just cause i got a new sway bar for my car and couple yrs ago it was $60 for installation. now its $113!!!! no f-ing way, i'll do it myself. sheesh. only took it there cause thought it was cheap and fast. stupid...i let them change my oil though. rip off. i'm too lazy for that though. heh. even though it was a nice day. oh well gotta get the car ready for the toronto journey. feel like i should use the vue for comfort, but no way i gotta use the turbo. my car is part of the family. heh. sorry ivy but it wants to see you one more time too=P.

i'm happy i got to see ivy today. that made me really happy. it was only for a little bit but it totally made my day. i'm glad i could make her happy too. hope the rest of her day is sweet and nice.

last week i went to the bar with steph from work. for 5 hrs@.@ ha. just cause she wanted to get me drunk. of course i wouldnt let her though=P...havent been to the bars in forever. and never stay 5 hrs. well it was fun. a little wierd but hanging out with her was fun. she's def one of my new favorite people. gonna miss her a bunch in japan. along with everyone at work of course. hopefully can hangout a little bit more before i go.

gotta exercise. gotta re-do my webpage. gotta get ready for japan! and gotta translate initial d fast! busy busy busy. argh.

so, today i was at work. not many customers causa the snow storm. i went to clean the bathrooms. when i came out, 2 of the ladies were talking to one of the otherr girls (my age). the 2 ladies were married. one young and one old. the one i heard talking is older and one of the sweetest ladies i've ever met in my life. super nice, smart, and sweet. anyway, she was talking about marriage mostly, but relationships in general. i was caught offguard when i heard what she was saying...

she was saying that there are really really hard times. many problems. times you just wanna say "hell with it" and give up or whatever. but she said you gotta think of the alternative. and realize its stupid to throw it all away. then she said, no matter what, you can always get through the problems. there will always be problems but you can always get through it. she was saying stuff like that and it really effected me. i told her some people feel different. i said that, sure people solve problems, but others occur. some people feel that's a reason to give up. and both of the ladies were shocked and immediately saying "no no noooo way". no problem is big enough to stop loving someone or giving up on love. they said you can always get through problems. it's important to have someone you can be with and love etc etc.i was affected cause that's how i felt all along. ironic its the married/older people who say it. funny though the sweet older lady said "making up after the problem/argueing is the best" and had a big smile. hahahaaaa. so cute/funny.

anyway kinda interesting. you think about people who beat their wives. or are alcoholics. or drug addicts. then you think about people who just argue a lot or get annoyed with each other. you think about so many things, and think "what is really bad? what is worth giving up on?". in the end, though, you just realize some things can't be solved by thinking. sometimes you just gotta stop thinking and move on. it was an interesting conversation though. heh.

hmmm. well yesterday i did really well. actually upbeat. still get sick when i think of some things, but for the most part i'm not even thinking. just relaxing and trying to get things done that i have to. it wasnt till nighttime, as usual that i started to think more. still i think my mood the past few days is changing. however, i realised something. when i say i feel good, it means my personality. i'm happy and changing and being a better person (i think. ha). but i realised i will never feel good inside. i've tried for days and days but nothing changes. i dont understand. i always heal fast recently. but this time. this time theres no way to heal. the cut is way too deep this time. i will never forget this. i really can't believe how fucking painful it is. how angry/depressed i am. damnit.

everything else is going ok. ha. i guess. i really cant wait till i leave for japan. but of course i really wanna stay. what the fuck-_- ha...i hope things go ok there. who knows with my luck. as usual just gotta be ready for the worst and hope for the best.

i've been working on my car a lot and hanging out with the people from work. just trying to forget things. forget the worst b-day ever. heh. but no matter how much fun i'm having and what i do, i think about... hmm dunno. the other part of me dying. the loss of a huge part of my life. i'm nothing without it. feel so..shitty. damnit. i gotta shut the fuck up now-_-. it's late. maybe feel better tomorrow. sorry if you read all the way through this pointless post. i'll probably delete it when i'm upbeat again..maybe.

dunno today was really crazy emotionally. i cant even explain it. i feel kinda fuckin messed up. girly, pathetic, wierd, etc. ha dunno. this morning i woke up from a phone call. it was nova. they said they just sent my departure info in the mail. i said thank you and hung up. then i realized the impact of it and so couldnt fall back asleep. i really couldn't wait for the package to come i was so nervous. ha. so i tried calling for more info, but no answer.

then, as i drove to work i was really emotional. really really depressed and sick thinking this life is pretty much officially over. when i got to work, stephanie, my shot buddy, was picking on me as usual. ha. we always pick on each other. but she was leaving cause her shift was over. as she was leaving she joked "i'm not talking to you anymore brian". dunno why i got super super depressed. hahaha. i'm fucking crazy. it was just really bad timing. it was totally a joke of course i knew that. whats wrong with me? just cause i was already missing someone. and was happy to see steph cause she cheers me up. hearing another person who makes me happy leave and say i'm not talking to you anymore just struck a rare/strange nerve. i almost felt like crying. haha@.@ soooo messed up. i told her dont joke i'm having a bad day and she suddenly realized my attitude change and felt soo bad. ha i felt so stupidXD. she apologized and told me i can talk to her anytime if i want. and told other girls not to pick on me today. haha. like a big sis. even though she's 4 yrs younger. ha. kinda cute/funny. but still messed up.

so all through work i kept thinking and thinking and thinking about everything thats been happening to me recently. and went through so many emotions: anger, happiness, anger, sadness, happiness, fear, anger, and sadness, etc. ha. finally at break time i tried calling nova again and got the answer. dunno why so much relief came when they told me. esp when they said tokyo. HOWEVER, i'm just flying to tokyo, dunno where i'll work. but only 2 airports in japan so of course the odds of flying to tokyo are 50/50. doesnt mean i'll work there. ha. but at least it probably means i'll be in east/north of japan?? anyway....so wierd i felt happy after that. just knowing for sure whats going on. and thinking of a new life. but...

soon after, sure enough i got depressed again. cause i would easily choose my life here over a new life. and so mad, confused, etc. thinking life is unfair. but fuck it... life IS unfair. everybody knows that. no sense bitching. i always mock people who do that and now i am doing it soo much. i just hate that so much of life is left in the hands of other people. no matter how much you want/need something theres nothing you can do sometimes. even if it keeps you alive. can't believe my life though. one of my good friends a couple yrs ago always told me my life is one sick joke. ha. can't believe its still true. something many people dont know about me is:

EVERY dream i have ever had. every goal in life. i came soooo close to having it come true. every single time i wanted something i had it in my grasp and ALWAYS watched it slip away. i have never even heard of anyone like that! every girl i ever wanted to be with, every activity i wanted to try, every place i wanted to visit, etc. all kinda came true or ALMOST happened, but with a twist. always something stupid that would screw it up. so i KINDA got my wish, but lost it immediately. biggest example i always use is hockey. in 7th grade i saw a hockey game. it was a padua high school hockey game. my bro and sis went there and it was one of the best teams in the state. i thought it was so cool i decided, "i wanna be a goalie for padua high school". my family thought i was crazy. i never even ice skated before. i started skating that yr, then a yr later started playing hockey. a yr later i became a goalie, and a yr later i made the team! its unbelievable! almost a miracle. but..i never really played-_-. only like 6 games in 2 yrs. my coach treated me like shit! then when i went to college my hockey life was over....and stuff like that happens every yr. many small things and 1 or 2 huge things. just ironic shit.

anyway, i will never say i have a bad life. its a good life, just a really really really fucked up life. i always thought it was my fault, that i didn't believe/try hard enough. but recently i tried for my biggest goal/dream ever. i tried 150% because it was so important. all my energy till i was totally spent, then i kept fighting. but still failed...oh well. proves no matter what i won't be able to get what i want/need. whatever. it taught me to move on and grow up and appreciate the things i do have. and knowledge that i can get through anything and be ready for anything. still sucks. still hurts. but i can take it. that's kinda rewarding i guess.

so thats my life in a nutshell...now back to the present matter. ha.... i told work, i told ivy, i told my bro, and i told my parents about my departure date. nobody really had any reaction. ha. guess everyone is ready already. people at work were kinda disapointed. that made me happy. ha. just nice to see someone cares. again, i'm retarded =P. i'm sure everyone cares at least a bit for some reason. just nice to get reaction. nobody saying "it's better this way" or stuff like that. of course everyone says it'll be good for me-_-. whatever. anything can be good depending how you look at it.

so 5 weeks left? something like that. so little time. but so much can happen i guess. one day at a time~~~

ok i'm rambling like crazy. really need to hangout with people more. ha. wouldn't be writing nearly as much. well probably hangout with friends this weekend. of course family too. and gotta exercise! and start translating shit! ok i'm done...for now ;P

i'm feeling better. guess i'm back in that mood. now i'm in my meditation phase. where i forget the worries of life and just try to relax. be happy. laugh at shit that makes me angry. etc. and practice doing things i should change. takes time but feels good when i succeed. even little things. thinking "wow in the past i never woulda done that". feels good. heh. anyway, for the most part i'm feeling good and doing really well, after such a shitty couple of weeks. course wasnt all shitty...

oh forgot to say Thank you ivy and everyone!. it was a fun birthday party^.^!! i'll put pics soon. though ivy has all them too=P.

still feel sick inside though from some other things. betrayed, hurt, and generally pissed off. mostly still kinda sick about the life change i mentioned in yesterday's post. theres still time to save this life. fix problems while keeping the happiness. but nobody wants to. or has faith. much of it is my fault, but so much isn't...dunno. just wish i could say everything i want to. but i can't. and i won't. cause i promised i wouldn't. gotta let go. let others learn things i already know. through pain and time, just like me. just hate watching. and knowing it'll hurt everyone more, including me. i know i gotta get over it. but still gotta bitch. and nobody to bitch to or listen, so i'll just bitch here a bit. heh.

well as long as nova doesnt send me news, there's always a chance to stay here. that's why i'm so damn mad they don't tell me anything! i hate this shit. just make me leave or let me stay. dont freakin' tease me. dumbasses. ha-_-. i'm prepared for any life i just wish i knew which one it is. i made my choice. the rest is up to everyone else. till then, all i can do is be the best i can, do as much as i can, and be happy.

damnit damnit damnit. i learned so much. changed so much. but now i've fucked it all up. just because of stupid nova and stupid people and stupid school and everything. bad timing for EVERYTHING...as usual. but anyway i was stupid. i let my guard down and ruined my whole new persona. and now i hurt the person i love more than anything in this world. and hurt myself way more. i know i'll heal. i always do. but im just so PISSED it happened NOW. garrrr i'm retarded. and i keep making things worse. i wish i could say so much more but i can't. i have to shut up and stop pissing people off. i have to grow up. i KNOW what i need to do. i was doing it already! if i just have a tiny bit of time, everything will be fine. but there is no time. and nobody has the faith i do. the knowledge i have. life is ending soon. at least my life here. my life with those i care about. i know what i need to do. and i know i can do it. but theres no time to prove it or make people understand.

so now i have to end this life, this hope. i have to start over elsewhere. and i'm ready. i'm confident and comfortable. i'm not affraid of anything. i just wanted to fight for this before i left. cause its the most important thing in my entire life. so forgive me everyone. i was kinda a whining bitch recently. just that i'm the only one who knows. MY life is gonna take a completely diff path. so it was a big deal to me. thats all.

it's wierd i kinda wanna stay. i'm so comfortable now. i know i can get a job. and even though it takes a lot of time to find one, i have starbucks. the people there are soooo great. we hangout together, joke around, drink after work, etc. and its a job i dont hate going to. so many things are better. but i have to leave. for so many reasons i can't say here.

guess its kinda fitting everything is ending so hard and fast. such a clear line now. a clear end and a clear beginning. my life to this point trained me. i have been weak and stupid and confused. but now i understand so much and am changing. i will take my new knowledge and keep learning. i just wish everyone had the faith i do. i wish i could take my old life with me. but i know things change. life is stupid. we just gotta have faith, and hope, and constantly adapt and grow.

thank you everyone who helped me so far. i can never forget you and i will always be in touch. i know i'm being dramatic, but everyone is these days. just know there's always hope. theres always something shittier. but if you get through 10 yrs, you can get through 10 more. there just may be something good in the end. heh. keep fighting.

btw still no idea when i'm leaving. ha. should be soon though. just gotta be patient and calm and take things as they happen. breath and be happy=P

I know i havent updated in a really really long-ass time. its partially cause i'm busy, partially cause there is nothing new to talk about, and partially because i dont really wanna talk about the stuff that IS new. ten billion thoughts running through my mind, too much to type anyway. its best just to let things happen and see where things take me.

like i said, though, nothing much is new. nova STILL hasnt told me any info one when i'd leave or where i'll stay. really seems like i may not go still though technically i am. still working at starbucks. really like it there. really comfortable now, though of course it still sucks sometimes. like any job. still best part-time placei could ever imagine working at.

for anyone who cares what i did over break, i went to chicago with ivy, then cleveland for xmas. feel bad i dont think ivy enjoyed it much but she never does. wish i could give her a great xmas for once=/.. oh well. i had a wonderful holiday season and was very happy.

yeah...really not much new. planning on visiting toronto again, but of course already seeing problems. well this weekend will probably see the new underworld movie! so excited. ha. me and ivy have been waiting for it for like 2 yrs, ever since we saw 1st one and loved it. and cool ivy liked an action movie and is excited to see more. ha. so cant wait. birthday is coming up too. 25. geez. freakin old. at least i had 2 yrs of 24. hahaha (ask me if you dont understand that).